Here is our collection of ten nursing jokes that made us laugh:
1: On a busy med-surg floor, the doctor stopped to brief me on a patient’s condition: “This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly.”
The doctor then began listing orders: “You must give an injection in a different location every 20 minutes, followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour, followed by one pill every 15 minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than 10 ounces of water every 25 minutes and must void between. Soak his arm in warm water for 15 minutes, then place ice for 10 minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every 30 minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times. Chart his condition and vital signs every 20 minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well.”
The doctor left and I entered the patient’s room. I was greeted by anxious family members and an equally anxious patient. All quickly asked what the doctor had said about the patient. I stated, “The doctor said that you will live.” Then quickly reviewing the orders, I added, “But you will have to learn a new sport.”
- The nurse brought a lunch tray to Norman Cousins, who was in a hospital “laughing his way to wellness.” The nurse also brought Mr. Cousins one of those glasses used for urine specimens, saying that when convenient, he should put a specimen in the glass and she’d pick it up when she came back to pick up the tray. Mr. Cousins, seeing some apple juice on the tray, put two and two together, and poured the juice in the specimen glass. The nurse came back and picked up the specimen, held it up to the light and said, “Mr. Cousins, this looks a little off. The color doesn’t seem quite right. Are you feeling okay?” Mr. Cousins reached out his hand for the glass and said, “Here, let me look.” After looking at it, he said, “Okay, I’ll run it through again,” then drank it. The nurse fainted.
- A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry. “I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”
—Margaret Morgan Tucker
- A nurse caring for a man from Kentucky asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?”
“It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied.
The nurse asked to see the jelly and the man produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
—Facebook group – LPNs Are Nurses Too!
- Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down, I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
- “Differences between Graduate Nurse and Experienced Nurses”
A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.
A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can´t read it.
An experienced nurse doesn’t wear a name badge for liability reasons
A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn’t chart enough.
A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.
A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn’t want anyone to know they are a nurse.
A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.
A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.
A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can’t hear any alarms at any distance.
A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn’t want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.
A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.
A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.
A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.
A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance “to work with the family.”
An experienced nurse avoids the family.
A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.
A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.
A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.
A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.
A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some “cough syrup” in their bag.
A Graduate Nurse doesn’t find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.
– Credit: Unknown
- “The Private Part”
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Jane asked him if there was anything wrong, “Yes, Nurse Jane,” said Mr. Wallace. “My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences.”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Jane. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”
“But, Nurse Jane I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”
“Yes,” said Nurse Jane, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”
– Credit: Unknown
- A lady came in for a routine physical at the Doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The Doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face. “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
– Credit: Unknown
9. Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can’t see him!
– Credit: Unknown
10. Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.
– Credit: Unknown
As a final bonus, here is a funny nurse skit from MAD TV!
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